The Fear Is Instilled in Me - By: Sara Rajani

Often I find myself alone, regardless of whether I'm in public or really alone behind closed doors, in my room or the shower though it doesn't really matter. I constantly find myself to be the only one by my side, the only one to resonate with me and it's difficult to be amongst allies. And I think the reason why is that allies can betray and be betrayed. They are the same as they have always been but just seen from a different perspective once they switch sides. I think I'm afraid of the allies and the other masks they hold behind their backs because soon it'll be too late; i've let them in, they learnt, studied my weaknesses, everything there is to know about me, everything i have worked so hard to hide from the human eye, the damage, the scars. One of my most common traits is bravery but maybe that's a facade I play. Maybe I was brave when I was younger, but today I think I'm fearful. Just like a childs first time at the beach as they overlook the sea, afraid of the big blue wonders that it seems to carry. I think I am that child I am cheered on to try, to feel the water, to warm up to it and so with the given momentum i try. I dip my toe in and i don't like it, its cold and scary, because the unknown is an awfully scary thing, and so they chant try again and i do just to be sure that my negative feelings were true this time i test the waves, i go in a little further and my retraction is faster than the first time as i come running out the water. I can't put my finger on it but it's uncomfortable, the big blue waves, they say ‘how brave of you, it's okay you'll get it next time.’ I think I am the kid who often goes to the beach but fear is instilled in me. I am far too afraid to try again, but I look down at everyone else, swimming, laughing, talking, going far into what i call the unknown. It's a scary world out there, and till today they call me brave when really that's not the case, I'm a coward because I'm scared to make friends. Funny that's coming out my mouth, younger me would stand and glare, confused; for she always put herself out there, it was so easy for her to make friends, she never second guessed. In Fact she came home crying some nights about how her allies turned over to the other side. How cruel some could be. I think that fear is still inside me. I think what scares me most about allies is that they can betray and be betrayed like I've already said. They’re always the same - unchanged, constant - but they look different once they switch sides. There’s something unsettling about that shift. I’m afraid of what’s hidden behind those masks, what people don’t show, the parts of themselves they keep tucked away until they feel they’ve learned enough about you. Once they’ve seen it all, once they’ve studied your weaknesses, everything you've spent years hiding or pretending to be indifferent about, it’s too late. They know too much. They know the damage, the scars, the parts of me that no one is supposed to see. I’ve let people in before, and every time, the fear’s been the same. That they’ll take what they’ve learned and use it against me. Or worse, they’ll just leave once they’ve had their fill of me. I don’t know what’s worse; the constant fear, the betrayal or the loneliness that follows when they’re gone. Maybe it’s just easier to keep them at arm’s length. I can control that. I can protect myself that way. But even then, the fear doesn't go away. It's always there, lingering in the back of my mind - waiting for the next person to come too close, to see too much. And then, maybe I’ll be left with nothing again. It’s easier to stay alone, to keep my distance, to convince myself that I’m better off without anyone else. To guard the parts of myself that no one else gets to touch. and so, I retreat. I hold back. I convince myself that I’m better off alone, better off without anyone else to disappoint or betray me. It’s easier that way. At least I know where I stand, at least I can stay in control of what little I have left. But I also know this - being alone doesn’t make the fear go away. It just makes it louder, more insistent. It makes me more and more convinced that there’s nothing worth reaching for out there, that maybe I’m better off in my isolation, even if it’s suffocating on occasions. I’ve learned to live with it. The distance, the walls, the quiet. It’s not peace, but it’s something I can endure. And maybe, in the end, that’s all any of us can do. Endure. Because trust? It’s a risk I’m not sure I’ll ever be willing to take again. And I think that’s the hardest part of all - that the fear, the loneliness, the weight of it all… it never really goes away. It just becomes something you carry, like a shadow, always there, always waiting.

Please give a detailed explanation about the meaning and main idea of this poem.

The poem explores deep themes of fear, trust, vulnerability, betrayal, and loneliness. The speaker is someone who feels isolated, even in the presence of others, because of their underlying fear that people—who are supposed to be allies—can betray them or abandon them. The central idea revolves around the fear of being hurt by others once they’ve gotten too close, revealing too much of oneself. The speaker seems to believe that opening up to others, letting them see your scars and weaknesses, ultimately puts you in a position of risk, where others might exploit that knowledge or simply leave once they've had enough. This fear of betrayal leads to self-isolation, where the speaker convinces themselves that it’s better to be alone, controlling their environment and maintaining emotional distance.

The poem uses the metaphor of a child at the beach to express how fear manifests even when others encourage them to try. The water, in this case, represents the unknown—the unpredictable nature of relationships and emotional vulnerability. The speaker feels like they’ve tried to engage, only to be overwhelmed by the coldness and discomfort of opening up to others. Despite their attempts to push through the fear, they ultimately retreat, afraid of being hurt or abandoned again. This retreat into isolation is both a protective mechanism and a source of inner conflict, because while it brings some level of control, it also leaves the speaker with a pervasive, gnawing sense of loneliness.

The main idea is the struggle between wanting connection and being terrified of the risks that come with it—whether that’s betrayal, abandonment, or the realization that others might eventually leave after learning too much about who you really are. The speaker grapples with this paradox: they need and crave connection but can’t bring themselves to trust others enough to allow it. The fear never fully goes away, and it manifests as a shadow, constantly lurking and shaping the speaker’s choices.

Please explain your writing and thought process regarding this poem.

well I have many pieces that I have written over the span of 2024 and I write what I feel, what I reflect upon, this just so happens to be a topic I reflected and the wrote about.

Why did you choose to write this poem?

The reason I chose to write this poem was to give voice to the complexity of emotional isolation and the fear of vulnerability. It seems that many people, at some point or another, experience a similar battle: the struggle between wanting to let others in and being terrified of the consequences of doing so. I wanted to capture that tension in a way that was both personal and universal. By using the metaphor of the child at the beach, I aimed to make the feeling of fear more tangible and relatable, while also exploring how this fear evolves as we grow older.

The poem is also a way to explore the idea of emotional scars—those parts of ourselves we hide from others, even though they shape who we are. In our relationships with others, we often face the fear of having these parts of ourselves exposed, judged, or used against us. Writing this poem was a way to express the internal conflict of wanting connection but fearing that those connections could end in hurt or betrayal. It was an exploration of the emotional cost of trust and the toll that constant fear and self-protection take on a person over time.

Ultimately, I wanted the poem to evoke the sense of being stuck in a cycle—a push and pull between the desire for intimacy and the instinct to withdraw. The fear never fully goes away; it just becomes something you carry with you, like a shadow, always lurking, always present.

Do you have any tips or anything to share with the youth writers who may be reading this?

the best pieces of work are produced when coming from the heart. do just that, write from your heart.